My 95 year old Grandmother just after running into a wine display with her motorized cart and almost creating a need for major clean-up on aisle 2 at the Food Lion.

Grandma found a handbag in her cinnamon raisin bread at breakfast.

Big ice cream that looks weirdly anatomical in an alien sort of way.

Big spine that looks weirdly anatomical in an alien sort of way.

The sleeping blogger wakes.

COLORIFIC Finds in your Neighborhood

Badonkadonk (or Donk, if you must) of the Day

Simple and classy but not quite there. Needs some friggin' awesome wheels fer shur.

We went to the sweat shop emporium, Garden Ridge, near our house and witnessed these beauties. I am tragically in love with these, and am considering a future with a hot pink one that just screams Christmas. The sweat shop thing is holding me back, though. Maybe I will find a used one. Simply gorgeous.

I can't believe people will actually use up the Earth's resources for crap like this. We are an impressive bunch.

And some bowling balls to match. AWESOME.

We have gone bowling twice now in the last 2 months. It has been a bit fun, but I think I am ready to move on to the more refined sport of pool.

It sure is exciting, however, when you get the big X on the board - which is part of the reason I am ready to play a little pool. I thought I would design a bowling team uniform, but now that I am not too sure about my future in the sport, I am also not sure if I will follow through on my venture into bowling fashion. We'll see.

Another fine establishment, besides Garden Ridge, that Dennis and I find intriguing is our local Ross Dress for Less. Dennis found this scrumptious pair of size 16s there. Now, if they were as excitingly colored as the "Christmas trees" or bowling balls, we might have had to bring them home to nail them onto the wall.

On our most recent trip to PA/DE to visit family - this time for Dennis' parents' 50th wedding anniversary - we saw a double rainbow.

ROY-G-friggin'-BIV, man.

Dennis and Maya Take a Somewhat Long Ass Trip

We went up to visit family in DE and PA and on the way we saw a few things.

Big Ass Moth.  BIG ASS  - and seriously pink and yellow.  

At a truck stop we found a rotating, four sided, five "storied" display of Jesus t-shirts.  Had I found this before I made all of the work for the HeavenHell show, I might have reconsidered my idea.  These people beat me to some really good shit.  "Pick Jesus"?  Come on, that's some excellence right there - more than one image comes to mind to ponder, however blasphemous.  

The truck stop also had one of those quarter pushing machines where you drop your quarter in and hope it will be the one that knocks all the other quarters off the edge into your sweating greedy palms.  On my third quarter I actually got about $2.50 and then fell into the gambling trap and lost it all plus some.  In the end I think I spent about $2 of our money on it and got mad.  If I ever go to a casino, someone better be floating me with no strings attached.  I'm sure to lose it all and would be totally pissed if it were my own money or someone else's who cared. Either way I would probably end up in Gamblers Anonymous.  Maybe I just should just stay away.

Happy oblivious elders in back, freak show up front.  I can't get enough.

We went to a car wash the kind of which I had no idea existed.   

Wash your car....

Buy baskets and other random completely non-car-related stuff from the car wash gift shop.  Whah?  Into it.

Near the check out and exit, actual car related things may be purchased - like EVERY imaginable scent of car-hangy-smelly-thing and other scented thingies.  Beautiful and stinky.

After the car wash adventure the family went to dinner at P.F. Changs.  After dinner we were presented with an assortment of desserts to contemplate consuming - plastic style - which, of course, is most appetizing.  In the restaurant's lighting they did actually look real, but once the camera flash went off, their true plastic nature was obvious.  I have decided I want to go into food art. How do they do that?  And look at that gut wrenchingly huge "chocolate cake."  Gimme a bite o' that scrumptiousness! Mmm - chewy.

A dog on the last leg of the journey.  Can you say trooper?  12 hours driving each way.  I love Manny.

I, on the other hand, am not as docile a traveler as Manny.  In my fidgety turns as passenger I am always on the lookout for something to hold my attention and interest even for a few moments.  This can take the form of shouting obscenities at drivers of other cars for minor driving infractions, or quietly searching the sky for heaven clouds.  Mostly I just shout obscenities.

For the last couple of weeks I have been a manufacturing machine for an art show called HeavenHell that I am in with CAFfeine South.  I am making a Heaven souvenir shop.  These are the types of items I will be offering for sale:

The t-shirts are the only things not finished.  I think the Heaven part of the shirt is going to be monochromatic instead of the two color.

I have been working and thinking about logistics for the show and working some more.  Now I will think for a bit about "badonkadonks."  The Urban Dictionary says that badonkadonks are voluptuous women's behinds.  What I am referring to, though, are actually called "donks," old cars that have been given new life and pizzazz.  I, however, will always lovingly refer to them as "badonkadonks."  

The following images are of future badonkadonks, I hope.  The South, and its lack of salted roads in the winter, has a lot of old cars in really good condition, so there are a lot to choose from for badonkadonk purposes.

The little yellow car on the right might be a badonkadonk wanna be, but the one on the left holds true donk potential.

Another interesting donk option.  Maybe some 24in. orange metallic wheels with a two-tone metallic gold and orange body - or maybe sticking with the blue theme but going two-tone with bright chrome wheels - again 24in.

I am working on a "badonkadonk" photo of the day for the blog.  I keep forgetting to have the camera on the ready.  When I do, I get worried that people will take offense at me ogling them and taking pictures, but there are definitely some jewels out there and I am determined to find and document them!  

Aaaah - Reminiscing on the Days of Yore

My sister and I were flipping through photo albums at my Mom's house.  The moment I saw this photo, I knew it needed to be unleashed upon the world.  We kept coming across photos that had blissful looking parents in the foreground and offspring in the background looking like something was going terribly wrong.  This one example of that strange phenomenon had so many levels of wrong, we had to do something - namely embarrass ourselves by throwing it out there for the world to see.  

Then I thought, "why stop there?"  I looked through all of my old photos for the most embarrassing ones.  I found a couple okay ones, but I really wish I had my Mom's treasure trove of awkward moments caught on film.  Maybe I will have to make another trip to Georgia for a future installment.

At some point I went from being unintentionally goofy to intentionally so.  The transition was not a pretty one.  

I moved back home to go to art school, and my Mom took up the cause of finding me a husband.  This photo was part of an attempt to make me something of a mail order bride.  She knew someone who's son was supposedly looking for a wife.  He wasn't in the immediate area, so my Mom decided to send him a picture of me.  I actually posed for this photo knowing all of this.  I think she had worn me down by this point.  She made several matchmaking attempts during my time in the area.  I still haven't quite figured out why she was so insistent on finding me a man.  Maybe some throwback to a time when one might be considered an old maid by the age of 25.  She gets all of the credit for hair and clothing - also hinting at another era.

I must insert a photo of my sister all grown up.  Although the sunglasses had their appeal, I have to admit it's a comfort to know those days have passed.  

Maya at the Baseball Game

Maya went to a baseball game.  She thought, "it's our anniversary.  Yes, let's do something different!"  So she and her husband, Dennis, went to the game.  After missing the first actual play of the game because there was so much else to look at, she decided to really try to concentrate on the game itself.  She tried so very hard, but kept getting distracted by things like the home team's atrocious outfits.  Someone must have gotten a very good post-Christmas discount on cloth and then thought masking tape would make for good lettering. 

She liked the other team's outfits better.  

After two hours of watching 0,0 0,0 0,0 0,4 0,0 0,0 on the score board, Maya and Dennis got up to see what else they could see.  They saw and ate dag nasty pretzels, and Maya pondered the dag nasty flavorlessness that everyone else seemed to down with gusto.  She didn't finish hers despite the added appeal of mmmmmustard.  It really just started to seem like too much work to be worth it - mainly emotional.

After pretzels Maya and Dennis found a "Team Store" to check out hats and stuff.  Maya wandered off and found a stuffed toy stuffing cart.  Mesmerized by the swirling polyester fill, she stared for maybe a little too long.  

Back in their seats, the clown of baseball showed up.  Maya saw him from a distance earlier in the game and thought, "wow, there are definitely some creepy clowns out there."  She also worried a bit that he might have a heart attack every time he ran up the stairs in between rows.  As he got closer Maya imagined she could see a hint of loneliness in his eyes.  The lonely middle-aged clown of the Greenville Drive.  He seemed nice, but maybe just a bit over this whole baseball scene and ready to sit a spell in his La-Z-Boy with a Red Stripe and an episode of "I'm a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!"  Too bad "Speidi" is no longer on.  They really brought flair to the jungle.

At some point "Mackerel Jordan" came out onto the field and ate a ball boy.

Then "Mackerel Jordan" spit out the ball boy after stripping him down to his skivvies.  He gave new meaning to that title - ball boy.

The home team ended up winning 6 to nothing.  Maya was glad to have gone to the game and looks forward to going again on a Friday night when there will be fireworks!  

Some things I saw on my trip to Georgia:  

I saw some fire flies on a walk.  I took lots of pictures of them but only one posed properly.

I saw a lizard on my parents' porch.  

I saw tons of friggin' cuteness and a wee bit of contrariness  (no pictures to prove that one, though).  Mostly friggin' cuteness.  This picture documents the fact that downing one holly berry won't kill you (according to promptly called Poison Control), and you actually get a yummy snack of homemade bread and fruit smoothie if you partake of a bit of that poison goodness!  Mmmm, I think I'll have me one of those holly berries, please.  An interesting fact - Poison Control currently frowns on puking on any poisoning occasion.  Now we know.

I am visiting family in Georgia, and I couldn't find the extra computer power cable to bring with me.  Now I am trying to write under the pressure of only having 13% battery life left, while my step-father watches basketball, while I am tired.  I almost started writing what "bruno" (Sasha Baron-Cohen - is that his name?) was saying in an ad.  I am reveling in the fact that I am writing random crap currently.  Aaaaah.  Distracted crap.  

I am also loving the fact that at home I don't have TV.  TV is a brain suck.  Normally smart people seem to dumb down in front of it.  I am impressed by the crap they watch here. Seriously, take a week or 2 off tv - you will be like what the hell is this crap I was watching?!  And this coming from a tv addict.  TV=Stupid. 

I guess I should go.  I keep watching tv.  On that note here is a bunny.

I found this pig cutting board at a local thrift store, and I imagined that it had been used all of its life for cutting up real pig.  Somehow the thought of that seemed so insulting to pigs.  A mockery even.  I'll ponder the psychology of that someday.  So, I decided to take back some little bit of power in honor of THE PIG and buy this gem of a high school shop project to be used from here on out in totally meat-free cooking ventures.  

Last night I made a very green, beige and glossy dinner with the help of "piggy."  Lately I have been a bit of a bore when it comes to buying vegetables.  I tend to buy the same ones over and over.  Usually that includes sweet red, yellow or orange peppers, but not last night!  No, green and beige all the way.  When we lived in Western NY, we lived next to an elderly couple whose every possession seemed to be beige.  Beige car, clothing, house, carpet, furniture, dog.  It came to indicate to us a personality type, a perspective on life, a kind of human being.  It was a blandness that seemed to mutter, "well, that's what people do."  Last night at dinner I felt a slight and chilling brush with that beigeness.  Never again!  Okay, maybe one night when we've run out of peppers once more.

Why I Don't Like to Mow the Lawn, Why I Should and Why I Do

Mowing is a pretty good workout, and Lord knows I need those.  But I love our lawn when it is right on the verge of being out of control wild - like a mini prairie in the suburbs.  I love watching what comes up when finally given a chance to grow.  I feel like I get a better sense of what is in my yard hibernating, waiting for the right opportunity to thrive.  

Then the reality hits the fan - I've let this prettiness go on too long.  It is no longer on the edge of being out of control.  Now the charming little mounds of grass are so dense at their bases, they reduce my lawn mower to a choking, sputtering mess.  The stalling and restarting turns my one hour job into a four hour one.  Aw crap.

Also to be considered - my dog, Manny, a 16 and a half pound sprinting wonder.  His attempts to navigate grass and weeds much taller than himself don't make for a great time playing and running.  He gives up and stops showing interest in going out back.
Our neighbor comes over one morning - "Ya got snakes in yer yard."  Oh, right, we live in South Carolina.  I forgot all about copperheads.  Yeah, those make for quite a sting.  Hmmm.  Well, as it turns out, our neighbor informed us we had two black snakes runnin' around out there.  Even though black snakes are less scary, I started to visualize them downing Manny.  That very day I donned my mowing around snakes outfit and trudged out back to start my adventure.  Four hours later I wondered - did our neighbor just make that snake thing up because he was sick of looking at our crazy yard?  If so, good job!  Lawn is officially back down to suburban standards. If I didn't have snake fear, I would have just mowed pretty paths through the grass.  

Also, Manny is now very happy.  

Manny should have been the real reason I mowed, but instead I had to wait and then finally succumb to peer pressure and fear tactics to get my yard "presentable."  Next time - FOR MANNY!

I am making some pieces for  an art show in July with the group CAFfeine South here in Greenville.  The show is entitled Heaven/Hell, and I have decided to make a heaven souvenir shop installation.  One of my pieces is a "wish you were here" postcard with an image of "heaven clouds" in the background.  I have decided on the image I am going to use, but now I cannot keep my eyes off the sky, searching for amazing combinations of sun peeking through clouds making those crazy shooting rays.  Here are just a few of my recent manic cloud/sun gatherings.

There always has to be some dumb Days Inn obstructing the view.

And I forgot how intrusive power lines and traffic lights are until I actually (and finally!) looked up and out at my world and couldn't get a clean shot of the friggin' sky.  How disturbing.